So here it is, very late. I should be sleeping, but my youngest (Blue eyes) is sleeping on the couch next to me. Watching him sleep warms my heart. You see, Blue eyes has high functioning autism. Therefore, our days are usually filled with bouncing, flapping (moving hands in a flapping motion), tantrums, using MY words correctly, intervening when he starts to loose control, the listening to stories that just go on and on and on until you finally acknowledge them and repeat them back, the OBSESSION with "buzz, buzz, buzz" lightyear and the gang, the going into public and getting starred out because of his odd behavior, the therapy sessions for him and the family, and did I mention the BOUNCING????? All in all, he makes my life interesting! Our family schedule is scheduled around him. There are certain things, chores, times of days, and errands that have to be preped for in very detailed ways.
And so, when I see him laying on the couch sleeping, I just relax. I look at my "normal" looking child and wonder "what if". What if he was "normal"? What if my days weren't filled with helping him to become prepared for life? What if my oldest (Brown eyes) didn't have to know what it was like to sacrifice what he wanted in life to help his brother have a better one? That there is the hardest "what if" not to dream about. I wish that Brown eyes could have a wonderful, picture perfect life. I dream that one day I don't have to ask him to, yet again, put aside his wants for what's best for the family's sack. I pray that Brown eyes grows up loving his brother, instead of resenting him for all the things Brown eyes didn't get to do. But, "what if's" are just that. They are things we wish were different, but know will never change. And so, we live our life which is greatly blessed by having a child with special needs, but also made more difficult for the same reason.
There will be a "what if" that I will do my darndest to prevent, though. The "what if" for Brown eyes. That little boy is my hero. He gives and gives so much to help his little brother, and he hardly ever complains. There are times that my little hero willingly gives up his favorite food, toy, his choice in movies/tv, and so many other things I can't list just so Blue eyes won't be upset. His one passion is to help his little brother succeed in life. Did I mention Brown eyes is only 8!!!! He is so empathetic, that we can all learn from him. And so, we go on mommy/son dates once a month, he gets to go camping with his aunt and uncle, and his grandma takes him out for their date whenever possible. We all give him special attention to remind him that he is just as special, and needs things done his way just the way his brother does. We make sure to tell him how special and wonderful he is every day!
Sleeping next to me is this wonderful, special child who makes our family interesting. So, here I am awake at 1 am just imagining all that will be, all that is, and praying to God to give me the strength to continue with His will for my family!
