Warning-Long Rambling Post

Tonight I went onto AutismSpeaks.org.  It is an excellent website for anyone who wants to know more about autism.  There, I learned that the feelings and frustrations I have been dealing with lately are very normal.  Did you know that their is a grieving process for learning of an autism diagnosis?  I didn't, but now I do, and am grateful for this knowledge.  At least now I know my feelings are very normal and expected!

For the past few weeks, I have avoided learning anything about High Functioning Autism(HFA) for the simple fact that I have been in denial.  Though, tonight I finally made that leap.  Yes, I knew the diagnosis was coming so it should have been easy.  It wasn't!  As the doctor spoke the words concerning my sons diagnosis, my world crumbled around me.  My head starting spinning, and Doctor Wayne seemed to be speaking in slow motion thousands of miles away.  I wanted to run, scream, cry and just beg him to say he was wrong!!!  Instead, I gently shook my head and said "Are you sure"?  He softly placed his hand over mine.  "I know this is hard to take in, even if you were aware of the suspicions of autism, but I am sure". 

What am I supposed to do now?  There is a heaviness in my heart that just won't go away.  I still want to run, scream, cry and beg God to say he was wrong!  Why my child?  Why us?  Why did my happy, smiling toddler have to become a 5 year old who freaks out and hides behind a Wal-Mart counter for 20 minutes because of an unexpected loud noise?  Why does he have to become so overly stimulated that he either throws a huge temper tantrum or run around like a crazy person?  He wants to learn to read, but his mind just can't grasp the comprehension of it, yet  he has a vocabulary usage and understanding that can put 3rd graders to shame! 

My hopes and dreams have changed for him.  Now instead of me dreaming of him becoming a world renowned Architect, I just dream that next week the world will be nice to him and he won't have any episodes!  I dream that we can go to the store, a restaurant, or one of his brothers functions without feeling like a lousy parent because my child is screaming.  Last night, we were at Cub Scouts for their monthly awards ceremony.  All I wanted was to take a picture of my nephew getting the ArrowPoint Award (highest award in Cub Scouts).  Blue Eyes wasn't okay with sitting by himself as my sister was up with her son, and Brown Eyes was sitting with his fellow scouts.  He started screaming, and ran off to the bathroom.  Luckily, there are awesome people in our Pack, and one of the leaders went to him to make sure he didn't hurt himself!  This is my life.  I have to watch what I say, when I say it, what I do, when I do it, and just make sure his world is as predictable as possible.

I know I am not a bad parent, I try my hardest to be fair to my kids.  But, life is not fair!  It's not fair that autism exists in this world, and it's not fair to family/loved ones to have to live with it too!  Autism does not just effect the person who has it, it effects everyone who interacts with that person. 

When I told people about the final diagnosis, they all replied with replies such as "you knew it was coming, why are you upset", "at least you know now and can get help", and the most dreaded "at least he is high functioning, there are others who have it worse".  Your right, there are others who have it worse, BUT I AM NOT IN THAT FAMILY!!!!!!  I am in this family, I am dealing with my children.  In my life, THIS IS DEVASTATING!!!!!!  Why do people always try to make me feel bad for being upset over my son's disability?  I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

 Sometimes Blue Eyes being High Functioning is a curse.  At least with children of worse abilities, or with special needs that have a physical presence, people make exceptions for them.  For Blue Eyes, this isn't so. According to his therapists, he has two disabilities 1)His autism 2)He looks normal!  The world sees a 5 year old who acts like a 2 year old.  They see a big boy who is having a temper tantrum in the middle of Wal-Mart because he saw a Toy Story notepad that he LITERALLY has to have!  He is OBSESSED with Toy Story.  And not the way normal 5 year old are, this child literally eats, sleeps, and lives Toy Story.  He can tell you every character, can recite all 3 movies, he is obsessed.  If he see's something Toy Story, all I hear is "TTTTOOOOOYYYY SSSSTTTTTOOOOORRRRYYYY!!!!!" screamed as loud as possible.  I honestly HATE that this new movie came out.  It was bad enough before everyone else loved Toy Story, but it's almost intolerable to go to any store now simply because of all the Toy Story crap there is out there.

Anyways,  back to AutismSpeaks.org.  I URGE any of my friends and family who read this to go to this website.  Not only will you learn more information about autism, you will understand Blue Eyes more.  Maybe then you will see why I am devastated.  Why I cry myself to sleep every night.  Why I am stressed beyond belief and just want to close my eyes and wake up in a world where autism was never heard of.  I am very grateful that Blue Eyes is high functioning, I just wish he was just Blue Eyes with nothing added.  I wish I didn't have to explain to people that my son has autism.  I wish I didn't have to get progress reports from Special Education in his folder every few weeks.  I wish that Brown Eyes didn't have to hide in his room because Blue Eyes is having a violent episode and beating the shit out of me.  I have bruises all over me, and I know he doesn't mean to do it.  But, I would rather he hurt me then hurt himself or someone else.  And I wish that the therapist hadn't warned me that he will get worse as he gets older, I didn't want to know that!

If you made it to the end of this rambling, thank you.  I just had a really hard night.  His diagnosis just really hit me as I was reading about it. 
~MarcieJ~