Renewing Dreams

First hope

Joy

Heartbeat

Kick

First cry

suckle

smile

laugh

First tooth

food

word

step

First vacant stare

violent fit

nagging fear

despair

This is not what we signed up for

Plans were perfectly laid

Upon this child layed hope and dreams

Now our world comes crashing in

Therapists now fill our days

Helping him not fear our world

Loud noise fits now bring

Many people loud screams invite

Perfect schedules rule our lives

My dreams were big for this small child

Maybe a Doctor, teacher, architect

No more are these dreams elaborate

I pray we make it through today

That he won't hide in fear of a look not there

Today, just maybe, he'll not melt down

The blessings change as the dream does

Simple smiles from changing leaves

Joy brought from simple things

His life's not over as once thought

Frustration bows to renewing hope

Parental dreams bloom again

 

As control over fear he learns

A terrifying world dissipates

Now his dreams can start to soar

Rockets, Towers 5 feet tall

Math and science knowledge he craves

This small child will accomplish great feats

This life is harder I will admit

The blessings brought, though greater still

Thank you, Lord for blessing us

For I now know Dreams come from above!

Warning-Long Rambling Post

Tonight I went onto AutismSpeaks.org.  It is an excellent website for anyone who wants to know more about autism.  There, I learned that the feelings and frustrations I have been dealing with lately are very normal.  Did you know that their is a grieving process for learning of an autism diagnosis?  I didn't, but now I do, and am grateful for this knowledge.  At least now I know my feelings are very normal and expected!

For the past few weeks, I have avoided learning anything about High Functioning Autism(HFA) for the simple fact that I have been in denial.  Though, tonight I finally made that leap.  Yes, I knew the diagnosis was coming so it should have been easy.  It wasn't!  As the doctor spoke the words concerning my sons diagnosis, my world crumbled around me.  My head starting spinning, and Doctor Wayne seemed to be speaking in slow motion thousands of miles away.  I wanted to run, scream, cry and just beg him to say he was wrong!!!  Instead, I gently shook my head and said "Are you sure"?  He softly placed his hand over mine.  "I know this is hard to take in, even if you were aware of the suspicions of autism, but I am sure". 

What am I supposed to do now?  There is a heaviness in my heart that just won't go away.  I still want to run, scream, cry and beg God to say he was wrong!  Why my child?  Why us?  Why did my happy, smiling toddler have to become a 5 year old who freaks out and hides behind a Wal-Mart counter for 20 minutes because of an unexpected loud noise?  Why does he have to become so overly stimulated that he either throws a huge temper tantrum or run around like a crazy person?  He wants to learn to read, but his mind just can't grasp the comprehension of it, yet  he has a vocabulary usage and understanding that can put 3rd graders to shame! 

My hopes and dreams have changed for him.  Now instead of me dreaming of him becoming a world renowned Architect, I just dream that next week the world will be nice to him and he won't have any episodes!  I dream that we can go to the store, a restaurant, or one of his brothers functions without feeling like a lousy parent because my child is screaming.  Last night, we were at Cub Scouts for their monthly awards ceremony.  All I wanted was to take a picture of my nephew getting the ArrowPoint Award (highest award in Cub Scouts).  Blue Eyes wasn't okay with sitting by himself as my sister was up with her son, and Brown Eyes was sitting with his fellow scouts.  He started screaming, and ran off to the bathroom.  Luckily, there are awesome people in our Pack, and one of the leaders went to him to make sure he didn't hurt himself!  This is my life.  I have to watch what I say, when I say it, what I do, when I do it, and just make sure his world is as predictable as possible.

I know I am not a bad parent, I try my hardest to be fair to my kids.  But, life is not fair!  It's not fair that autism exists in this world, and it's not fair to family/loved ones to have to live with it too!  Autism does not just effect the person who has it, it effects everyone who interacts with that person. 

When I told people about the final diagnosis, they all replied with replies such as "you knew it was coming, why are you upset", "at least you know now and can get help", and the most dreaded "at least he is high functioning, there are others who have it worse".  Your right, there are others who have it worse, BUT I AM NOT IN THAT FAMILY!!!!!!  I am in this family, I am dealing with my children.  In my life, THIS IS DEVASTATING!!!!!!  Why do people always try to make me feel bad for being upset over my son's disability?  I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

 Sometimes Blue Eyes being High Functioning is a curse.  At least with children of worse abilities, or with special needs that have a physical presence, people make exceptions for them.  For Blue Eyes, this isn't so. According to his therapists, he has two disabilities 1)His autism 2)He looks normal!  The world sees a 5 year old who acts like a 2 year old.  They see a big boy who is having a temper tantrum in the middle of Wal-Mart because he saw a Toy Story notepad that he LITERALLY has to have!  He is OBSESSED with Toy Story.  And not the way normal 5 year old are, this child literally eats, sleeps, and lives Toy Story.  He can tell you every character, can recite all 3 movies, he is obsessed.  If he see's something Toy Story, all I hear is "TTTTOOOOOYYYY SSSSTTTTTOOOOORRRRYYYY!!!!!" screamed as loud as possible.  I honestly HATE that this new movie came out.  It was bad enough before everyone else loved Toy Story, but it's almost intolerable to go to any store now simply because of all the Toy Story crap there is out there.

Anyways,  back to AutismSpeaks.org.  I URGE any of my friends and family who read this to go to this website.  Not only will you learn more information about autism, you will understand Blue Eyes more.  Maybe then you will see why I am devastated.  Why I cry myself to sleep every night.  Why I am stressed beyond belief and just want to close my eyes and wake up in a world where autism was never heard of.  I am very grateful that Blue Eyes is high functioning, I just wish he was just Blue Eyes with nothing added.  I wish I didn't have to explain to people that my son has autism.  I wish I didn't have to get progress reports from Special Education in his folder every few weeks.  I wish that Brown Eyes didn't have to hide in his room because Blue Eyes is having a violent episode and beating the shit out of me.  I have bruises all over me, and I know he doesn't mean to do it.  But, I would rather he hurt me then hurt himself or someone else.  And I wish that the therapist hadn't warned me that he will get worse as he gets older, I didn't want to know that!

If you made it to the end of this rambling, thank you.  I just had a really hard night.  His diagnosis just really hit me as I was reading about it. 
~MarcieJ~

Wisconsin Beauty!

My aunt posted a picture on facebeok of fall in Northern Wisconsin this week.  It took my breath away.  Wisconsin during Fall is simply put, HEAVENLY!  I miss home!  My assignment for this week was to write a poem based on a landscape picture, and I couldn't think of anything more appropriate then to write about God's country!

Majestically tall they stand
wisps of color surround their trunks
as fall takes full control

Tightly bound together
strong Oaks that rule this land
proud kings of the forest

Leaves of gold, red, brown, green
hang on to outstretched limbs
falling gently to the ground

Silently the blue sky cuts through
illuminating the fallen stars
scattered amidst the colored floor

Sprouts of green do fight to grow
from the mosaic collage
that only nature can produce

Once so modestly dressed with green
now scantily clad in lingerie
of a heavenly color array

Proud old Oaks abound
where nature forever reigns
to provide the rest that man demands

~MarcieJ~

Ramblings

"You are never alone, even if you can't see me or hear my voice, you are never alone!  I will always be there, always!"

These are the words that brought me out of the funk I have been in lately.  Trying to be Super Mom, SuperArmyWife, and Super Student takes a toll on a person.  I can't be super at all things I do, heck I can't be super at one thing!  That's just not who I am.  I am a good mom, a good Army wife, and a good student.  There is passion in my writing that can envelope the person reading it, but it's not great.  My photos capture the wonders of this world, but I know people who capture it better.  Is saying this a bad thing?  No, it is realizing that I have to be happy with who I am and at what levels I perform on.  This week I have been feeling especially down, this has to do with some of my assignments in my creative writing class and the fact that I hadn't spoken to my husband in a week!  Where he is in Afghanistan, there is not a good communication set up yet.  He is on a new FOB that they are building up at this moment, and it has 20 phones for 6,000 soldiers!  I am grateful for any time I get to hear his voice.  Though, this lack of communication makes me feel really alone at times.  I was reading him a piece today that  I wrote that had started out fiction and then became the reality of pieces of my childhood.  When I finished, all I could hear was the static that meant our call was lost.  I started crying into the phone mumbling something about him not being there and me being alone again.  I hung up and continued my pity-party.  Then, the phone rang again.  Upon answering it I heard him say the above phrase with such love and compassion that I knew no matter what, I wouldn't be alone.  He doesn't have to be here with me for him to be "here" with me.  His love travels the distance and hugs me gently whenever I am feeling down.  Thank you K, I love you!!!!!

I will leave you with the piece I wrote.  Yes, it is a very sad piece, but to much a reality.  Everyday thousands of children around the world are abused.  The saddening part is the very last sentence in the story.  To many times the child still feels a strong love for their abuser and wants to please them even after they were harmed by them.  Child abuse is something more people need to become aware of so that more children can be saved!

Despairing Love

Shivering in anticipation of the next harsh word or stinging slap of the belt, the slender boy stood facing the wall in only his boxers. Tightly he closed his eyes, shutting out the pain reverberating through his backside. He knew that he wasn't supposed to go on the website, but it was fun and he couldn't help himself. Why had she put the laptop in his brothers room and told them they could play with it? She knew he couldn't withhold himself from his addiction. Sure enough, as soon as the computer screen flashed his drug before him, she stormed into the room.

Then, the screaming started. “How could you be such a bad child? Why do you disobey me for the one thing I tell you not to do? You are a terrible person who only cares about yourself!”

       Before he could answer she had pushed him against the wall and had the belt slicing through the air with a sickening hiss. The scream escaped from his lips despite his determination not to show her the pleasure of his pain. Again the hiss came, followed by the torturous pain. This time he refused to parts his lips for the scream. The pain was terrible and his skin burned from the bite of her wrath. He heard the belt hit the floor with a deafening thud. Slowly he opened his eyes as fear flowed down his brow with his sweat. Matted blond hair hung before his eyes as he starred at the belt at his feet. He knew not to move, not to look at her until she spoke to him.

“Look at what you made me do. Do you think I like spanking you? If only you weren't such a deceitful little boy.”

       At this she walked away to get her glass of wine. He knew not to move until she sat on the couch. His legs were trembling, all he wanted was to run far away. He knew he shouldn't have looked at the website; but he also knew that if it hadn't of been the banned website, it would have been that he “took the wrong tone” to her, looked at her wrong, or didn't run fast enough when she called his name. One day she would realize that he wasn't his father, hat he was only a scraggly 8 year old boy who wanted nothing more to please her. One day she would realize this, and the little boy hoped it would be soon as he went over and sat gingerly on the couch.

He curled up to her. “I am sorry I am so bad mommy. I love you! Please forgive me, it won't happen again! Do you need any more wine?”

To the park again!

I went to the park again.

This time I went with a friends little girl and Blue eyes.

The camera loves both of them!

Little L

She's so precious

Waiting patiently for his turn.

Man I love his smile!

After editing all the pictures and giving them to my friend, she asked me if I can do a photo shoot for her family!  I am SO excited about this.  I have 3 family members lined up for photo shoots, but for a friend to ask was awesome!  She said my pics were better then the ones she just had done at Sears.  For those who don't know me, I LOVE photography.  I used to take pictures constantly.  Then, I had kids and couldn't afford a nice camera once mine broke.  So, I made due with the moderate priced ones.  This deployment, I used our first installment of cash inflow to buy a really nice camera (hubby got a HEMI car last deployment).  I am loving it as now I am able to take the kinds of pictures I loved taking before.  I thought I was going to suck after 9 years, but found that I am catching on again really quickly.  Here's to hoping for a fun and exciting photoshoot!



I went picture crazy

I got a new camera yesterday!

And after getting a little bit of a handle on it.

I went completely wild!

Brown eyes trying to decide if he likes the cookie.

Daddy's Boy!

I just loved this quote!  My husband is a Crew Chief!

I just loved this picture!  Discarded shoes!

Brown Eyes!

Run Run as fast as you can......

I still need to learn about shadows.

Sweet Blue Eyes!

So Handsome!

Look Mom!

He's so precious!

My Loves!

I am running as hard as I can!

Faster!

Forget this, I am just going to ride!

Faster Bubbas!

Look at me climb!

Help!!!!!!!!!!

Brown eyes showing off his splits

Just stop taking pictures

Fine!

My nephew T, enough said!

Sleepy little man!

Though he woke up for cookies!

And I leave you with my favorite one.  My Blue Eyes!

Hope you enjoyed my crazy photo shoot!

~MarcieJ~

Out of the mouth of Blue Eyes

While discussing with Blue Eyes where he wanted his birthday party coming up in December, Blue Eyes excitedly told me he was going to be six.
Me: Oh, no.  You can't turn six.
BE:  I have to Mommy, six comes after five and I am five now.
Me:  But when you turn six you won't be my baby anymore, you will be a big big boy!  I don't want you to grow up!
BE:  (serious as can be) Mommy, if I don't grow up then I can't have kids or get a wife, and you want grandkids don't you!
ME: *lauging hysterically*

The things that come out of his sweet little mouth just amazes me!  His very literal perception of the world is priceless!

~MarcieJ~

Late Night Babbling

    So here it is, very late.  I should be sleeping, but my youngest (Blue eyes) is sleeping on the couch next to me.  Watching him sleep warms my heart.  You see, Blue eyes has high functioning autism.  Therefore, our days are usually filled with bouncing, flapping (moving hands in a flapping motion), tantrums, using MY words correctly, intervening when he starts to loose control, the listening to stories that just go on and on and on until you finally acknowledge them and repeat them back, the OBSESSION with "buzz, buzz, buzz" lightyear and the gang, the going into public and getting starred out because of his odd behavior, the therapy sessions for him and the family, and did I mention the BOUNCING?????  All in all, he makes my life interesting!  Our family schedule is scheduled around him.  There are certain things, chores, times of days, and errands that have to be preped for in very detailed ways. 
     And so, when I see him laying on the couch sleeping, I just relax.  I look at my "normal" looking child and wonder "what if".  What if he was "normal"?  What if my days weren't filled with helping him to become prepared for life?  What if my oldest (Brown eyes) didn't have to know what it was like to sacrifice what he wanted in life to help his brother have a better one?  That there is the hardest "what if" not to dream about.  I wish that Brown eyes could have a wonderful, picture perfect life.  I dream that one day I don't have to ask him to, yet again, put aside his wants for what's best for the family's sack.  I pray that Brown eyes grows up loving his brother, instead of resenting him for all the things Brown eyes didn't get to do.  But, "what if's" are just that.  They are things we wish were different, but know will never change.  And so, we live our life which is greatly blessed by having a child with special needs, but also made more difficult for the same reason.
    There will be a "what if" that I will do my darndest to prevent, though.  The "what if" for Brown eyes.  That little boy is my hero.  He gives and gives so much to help his little brother, and he hardly ever complains.  There are times that my little hero willingly gives up his favorite food, toy, his choice in movies/tv, and so many other things I can't list just so Blue eyes won't be upset.  His one passion is to help his little brother succeed in life.  Did I mention Brown eyes is only 8!!!!  He is so empathetic, that we can all learn from him.  And so, we go on mommy/son dates once a month, he gets to go camping with his aunt and uncle, and his grandma takes him out for their date whenever possible.  We all give him special attention to remind him that he is just as special, and needs things done his way just the way his brother does.  We make sure to tell him how special and wonderful he is every day! 
  Sleeping next to me is this wonderful, special child who makes our family interesting.  So, here I am awake at 1 am just imagining all that will be, all that is, and praying to God to give me the strength to continue with His will for my family!

Missing my man!

  Today I recieved the first snail mail letter from my husband, EVER!  It is something that will forever be cherished and saved!  Not only was this a huge surprised, it was an amazing one.  Kevin has never been one for words, he always uses the wrong ones. :D  But, the words he used in this letter made me realize his love for me, and how he veiwed me.  It brought tears to my eyes and much needed joy to my heart.  It's amazing how just a few sentences added to the end of a letter can bring such happiness.  I am hoping that during times of stress, doubt, frustration, and self-doubt; I can bring out this letter and remember there is someone out there who loves me and cherishes me!  Thank you Kevin for these words, I love you, too!!!! 
   The only problem with this wonderful letter, is that it makes me miss Kevin even more then I did before.  My heart aches everytime one of our boys does something wonderful, and Kevin is there to miss it.  My bed and arms are lonely at night, making nightime the most difficult time of the day.  When something exciting or sad  happens, I don't have my best friend to turn to lend his shoulder or ear.  I cannot describe what it is like to be a single mom, but yet to be married at the same time.  Words cannot ever express the constant terror I live in that a knock on the door will bring the news every Army spouse fears!  My expressions will never show the agony I live in daily having my husband living 20 miles from the Iran border in NorthWestern Afganistan!  This is why this letter brings hope.  Because no matter what doubt or fear lives in my mind untill he returns safe, my heart will always know he loves me so much that it reaches across the distance!

~MarcieJ~